CollegeHumor LIVE

Oakland State Michigan University College!

10 real facts that me, Nick Kroll, Aziz, and Colin Quinn learned Friday night in Michigan.

1) The fast food soup joint named “Zoup” has cheeseburger zoup and macaroni and cheese zoup. Yes both are disgusting and when I asked what exactly is the Mac and cheese zoup, the guy behind the counter confidently told me “it is like macaroni cheese… but with a lot more cheese”.

2) Even if you don’t sell out the venue, that will not stop them from sending a giant white stretch limo to pick you up.

3) The white rapper Eminem once took the same limo, but instead of carrying Chap Stick and DAN LEVY COMEDY CD’s he carried guns.

4) My cd’s sell a lot better after Colin signs them. (two)

5) One of the contestants playing shameful trivia’s last name was hooker and grew up in a town with 300 people and 3000 cows. It makes a lot of sense when you talk to him. And when he shows you a picture of him birthing a calf on his cellphone.

6) Andrew Dice Clay is an asshole.

7) If you are staying at the Marriot in Pontiac Michigan and you have kids, don’t worry… they can still swim in the pool past midnight. Totally cool.

8)Nick Kroll has a very long story about Bob Newhart that doesn’t make sense or have a punch line. However it gets better the 6^th time he tells it.

9) Aziz: (referring to the ridiculous amount of food backstage) There are more choices of candy here then students in the theatre.

10) Going to the airport at 4:30am is the worst thing I’ve done this week besides sampling the cheeseburger zoup.

Semester 3 of College Humor Live complete! Thank you slingbox and see ya in the spring.

University of Wyoming and Washington.

The last two CH LIVE shows were fun but dangerous!!!.

In Wyoming, after the awesome show with over 1000 students myself, Tyler Spindel, Christian Finnegan, and Beth mingled with the students. It was pretty normal, nothing too crazy. But as were signing Cd’s and talking to the winner of the sling box, we heard the fire alarm go off. At first the kids were laughing and saying how after all the someone pulls the fire alarm. So we continued signing and talking until we all smelled smoke and saw it billowing out of the theater. At this point we all thought:

SHIT! WE CAN’T DIE IN LARAMIE WYOMING! RUN!!!

The student activity director runs out informing us that something is in fact on fire and we need to get the fuck out! At this point all the comics on the CH LIVE tour broke the first rule when dealing with fire. We ran back into get our stuff. In our defense it was smoky and we didn’t see any real fire…plus my lap top was in there and that would have totally sucked. ( I just bought the Matchbox 20’s greatest hits on Itunes).

We made it out alive and even had time to stop at a Chili’s where we unfortunately came even closer to death.

NOTE TO THE WORLD: NEVER ORDER SALMON FROM CHILLI’S IN LARAMIE WYOMING. UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR INSIDES TO EXPLODE.

Seattle was a blast because we hooked up with Aziz and just had a fun time in the city. We went out to bars, I stepped inside the first starbucks, saw the guys throw a fish, and checked out the brand new library that seems more like a place to do ecstasy then a place to read. (I did it both.)

The show itself was fun but not as packed as the Wyoming gig because this show was at the same time as a weird indoor festival where students can make wax hands and buttons. You would think that if you had the option to see awesome comedy with a possibility to win a sling box OR make a button you would choose the latter but not at University of Washington. Apparently all the students really love buttons. Like really LOVE them. While Tyler was on stage, Aziz and I went over to this indoor cluster fuck and saw a couple hundred kids waiting in line to make buttons and wax their hands. So we cut them all in line and I made a middle finger wax hand as a “fuck you” to all the students who missed our show. It was a bad idea and kinda hurt myself.

The show ended incredibly strong with what was the best shameful trivia of all time. Aziz played along as a character named Kevin who went head to head with this one kid whom new more shameful trivia then ever before…and he won. He was able to name all the actors and the characters they played on “Boy Meets World”.

Aziz even called him out by saying: “You’re spending to much time jerking off to Topanga!”

It was great. We filmed the entire night it should be on the site soon. Fuck buttons.

University of Miami bringin' the heat!

So the College Humor Live tour had a very happy Halloween because we were all together in Miami making drunk kids in costumes laugh and getting stuck in terrible Miami Halloween traffic. But instead of simply writing out what happened this weekend, I will highlight the events within the lyrics of Will Smith’s smash hit “Miami,” where it’s very clear that Big Will and I have quite different perceptions of Miami.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Miami uh uh

Southbeach bringin the heat uh

Haha can ya’ll feel that

Can ya’ll feel that

Jig it out uh

I woke at 4am for a 6am flight. I got a middle seat.

Here I am in the place where I come to let go

Miami the base and the sunset glow

Everyday like a mardi gras everybody party all day

No work all play okay

So we sip a little something lay to rest the spill

Me an charlie at the bar runnin up a high bill

On the show was Ben Gleib and Nikki Glaser. At the venue I bought a pitcher of beer because the SGA cannot buy alcohol for performers. I wish Charlie was the president of the SGA.

Nothin less than ill when we dress to kill

Everytime the ladies pass they be like hi will

Can yall feel me all ages and races

Real sweet faces

Every different nation spanish haitian indian jamaican

Black white cuban and asian

Most of the audience was white and a little more white. There was one British kid who heckled me throughout the entire night. He was sitting at a table with 2 guys dressed as Michael Phelps.

I only came for two days of playing.

But everytime I come I always wind up stayin

This the type of town I could spend a few days in

Miami the city that keeps the roof blazin

I was originally going to fly home the next day at 4pm. But after a few hours of being in town, I decided to fly stand by and leave at 6am.

Chorus

Party in the city where the heat is on

All night on the beach till the break of dawn

We didn’t go to the beach. B ut there was a nice lake by the student union.

Welcome to miami

Buenvenidos a miami

Bouncin in the club where the heat is on

All night on the beach till the break of dawn

I went to bed at 12:30am.

I’m goin to Miami

Welcome to Miami

Verse 2

Yo I heard the rainstorms ain’t nothin’ to mess with

But I cant feel a drip on the strip it’s a trip

Ladies half dressed fully equipped

And they be screamin out ‘Will we loved your last hit’

The ladies were definitely dressed in slutty Halloween drobe, but were not all over me. However ten dudes came to the show because they really liked the talk show I did for college humor this summer.

So I’m thinkin’ ima scoot me somethin’ hot

In this south sea merengue melting pot

Hottest club in the city and its right on the beach

Temperature get to ya its about to reach

Five hundred degrees

In the Carribean seas with the hot mommies

Screamin’ aii poppy

I think Ben tried to get Nikki pregnant.

Everytime I come to town they be spottin me

In the drop bentley ain’t no stoppin me

The cab driver who took us from the Holiday Inn to the venue was a really nice guy.

So cash in your door

We flow to this fashion show

Pound for pound anywhere you go

Yo aint no city in the world like this

An if you ask how I know I gots ta feed the film

The sophomore who won the sling box was super excited. He was dressed as a pumpkin and thanks to his love of porn and his masturbation skills, he was able to name 6 porn stars and make his parents proud.

Chorus

Verse 3

Dont get me wrong shytown got it goin on

An new york is the city that we know dont sleep

An we all know that l a and philly stay jiggy

Totally agree!

But on the sneak miami bringin heat for real

Ya’ll don’t understand

I never seen so many Dominican women with cinnamon tans

Mierda this is the plan

Take a walk on the beach draw a heart in the sand

Gimme your hand

Damn you look sexy

Lets go to my yacht in the west keys

Ride my jetskis loungin in the palm trees

Cause you gotta have cheese for the summerhouse piece on southbeach

Ben, Nikki, and Beth (hot tour manager) tried to meet me at a bar but their cab got lost and then charged them 60 bucks. Ben threw a thousand dollars at the cab driver and headed to the beach where he and Nikki spent the night on his Yacht. Beth felt kinda awkward and texted her boyfriend in the corner.

Water so clear you can see to the bottom

Hundred thousand dollar cars eybody got em

Aint no surprise in the club to see sly stallone

Miami my second home

I did not see Sly Stallone.

What I do in between the CH LIVE TOUR dates.

COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE IS BACK.

That is right friends! College humor live is back and better then ever! We have SLING BOX as a fun new sponsor and ridiculous line-ups. The tour kicked off last week at Fordham University with me, Streeter & Jeff, Aziz, and John Mulaney. I don’t have any videos or pictures of this show because Fordham got kinda’ weird and wouldn’t let us film anything.I don’t want to point any fingers but I will point one at Jesus.

(It is a jesuit school.)
Since we had no pix of the awesome show, I posted a picture of college students having fun to illustrate exactly what went down last week.

This semester CH LIVE will be hitting the following places and its going to be super! :

09/28/08 - New York, NY - Fordham University
10/08/08 - Muncie, IN - Ball State University
10/10/08 - South Bend, IN - Notre Dame
11/12/08 - Laramie, WY - University of Wyoming
11/14/08 - Seattle, WA - University of Washington
11/21/08 - Rochester, MI - Oakland University

Im shooting a movie in New Orleans called “Mardi Gras”. This is my costume. I play an asshole who runs a wet t-shirt contest. Good times! And lots of crab meat!

The college tour is over for now but don’t be sad! I will be in NYC all summer long shooting the “I Have To Go In A Minute Show” for college humor. Its gonna awesome! So get ready for some daily Dan Levy comedy Monday-Friday!

LE-HIGH!

Well I am on a plane right now flying back to LA from NY, which sucks because I totally missed the Nazi Pope by a week. And since I have joke about him, the least I could do is check out his deal at Yankee stadium. I’ll have to catch him when he’s back again in 13 years.

So…last night the show was by far the best college humor live show to date.

It was a powerhouse comedy line up. That’s right people: POWERHOUSE!

The line up: me, Aziz Ansari (Human Giant) Bill Burr (HBO Special) and Kevin Hart (Host of comic view, and a shit load of movies).

We performed in a theatre with low ceilings, which is key to a successful comedy show, the rider was perfectly taken care of (dried fruit everywhere), and my GPS didn’t get me to lost.

I accidentally pushed the “I don’t want any tolls” button so the beginning of my trip involved no highways and it took me 3 hours to get to Jersey from the Bronx. NOT GOOD. When I was told to “turn left into the woods” I decided it was time to recalculate my route.

There were about 300 students and I would say most of them were high or drunk and very excited about “4-20!” One girl with blood shot eyes came over to me as I was selling CD’s and said “ You should have to need to drink with us drunk”. I slowly walked away. Although she was cute.

We end the tour at University of Tampa. My girlfriend and her parents will also be there. I guess I can’t do any of my “sex with girlfriend jokes”. So…I’ll just stick to my “sex with boyfriend jokes.”

I need to fucking pee so bad but there is too much turbulence.

Till next time!

I was in a hit and run. I was not the guy who ran.

HIT & RUN! from Dan Levy on Vimeo.