CollegeHumor LIVE

Oakland State Michigan University College! 10 real facts that...

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:45:13 -0500

Oakland State Michigan University College!

10 real facts that me, Nick Kroll, Aziz, and Colin Quinn learned Friday night in Michigan.

1) The fast food soup joint named “Zoup” has cheeseburger zoup and macaroni and cheese zoup. Yes both are disgusting and when I asked what exactly is the Mac and cheese zoup, the guy behind the counter confidently told me “it is like macaroni cheese… but with a lot more cheese”.

2) Even if you don’t sell out the venue, that will not stop them from sending a giant white stretch limo to pick you up.

3) The white rapper Eminem once took the same limo, but instead of carrying Chap Stick and DAN LEVY COMEDY CD’s he carried guns.

4) My cd’s sell a lot better after Colin signs them. (two)

5) One of the contestants playing shameful trivia’s last name was hooker and grew up in a town with 300 people and 3000 cows. It makes a lot of sense when you talk to him. And when he shows you a picture of him birthing a calf on his cellphone.

6) Andrew Dice Clay is an asshole.

7) If you are staying at the Marriot in Pontiac Michigan and you have kids, don’t worry… they can still swim in the pool past midnight. Totally cool.

8)Nick Kroll has a very long story about Bob Newhart that doesn’t make sense or have a punch line. However it gets better the 6^th time he tells it.

9) Aziz: (referring to the ridiculous amount of food backstage) There are more choices of candy here then students in the theatre.

10) Going to the airport at 4:30am is the worst thing I’ve done this week besides sampling the cheeseburger zoup.

Semester 3 of College Humor Live complete! Thank you slingbox and see ya in the spring.

University of Wyoming and Washington. The last two CH LIVE...

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:22:18 -0500

University of Wyoming and Washington.

The last two CH LIVE shows were fun but dangerous!!!.

In Wyoming, after the awesome show with over 1000 students myself, Tyler Spindel, Christian Finnegan, and Beth mingled with the students. It was pretty normal, nothing too crazy. But as were signing Cd’s and talking to the winner of the sling box, we heard the fire alarm go off. At first the kids were laughing and saying how after all the someone pulls the fire alarm. So we continued signing and talking until we all smelled smoke and saw it billowing out of the theater. At this point we all thought:

SHIT! WE CAN’T DIE IN LARAMIE WYOMING! RUN!!!

The student activity director runs out informing us that something is in fact on fire and we need to get the fuck out! At this point all the comics on the CH LIVE tour broke the first rule when dealing with fire. We ran back into get our stuff. In our defense it was smoky and we didn’t see any real fire…plus my lap top was in there and that would have totally sucked. ( I just bought the Matchbox 20’s greatest hits on Itunes).

We made it out alive and even had time to stop at a Chili’s where we unfortunately came even closer to death.

NOTE TO THE WORLD: NEVER ORDER SALMON FROM CHILLI’S IN LARAMIE WYOMING. UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR INSIDES TO EXPLODE.

Seattle was a blast because we hooked up with Aziz and just had a fun time in the city. We went out to bars, I stepped inside the first starbucks, saw the guys throw a fish, and checked out the brand new library that seems more like a place to do ecstasy then a place to read. (I did it both.)

The show itself was fun but not as packed as the Wyoming gig because this show was at the same time as a weird indoor festival where students can make wax hands and buttons. You would think that if you had the option to see awesome comedy with a possibility to win a sling box OR make a button you would choose the latter but not at University of Washington. Apparently all the students really love buttons. Like really LOVE them. While Tyler was on stage, Aziz and I went over to this indoor cluster fuck and saw a couple hundred kids waiting in line to make buttons and wax their hands. So we cut them all in line and I made a middle finger wax hand as a “fuck you” to all the students who missed our show. It was a bad idea and kinda hurt myself.

The show ended incredibly strong with what was the best shameful trivia of all time. Aziz played along as a character named Kevin who went head to head with this one kid whom new more shameful trivia then ever before…and he won. He was able to name all the actors and the characters they played on “Boy Meets World”.

Aziz even called him out by saying: “You’re spending to much time jerking off to Topanga!”

It was great. We filmed the entire night it should be on the site soon. Fuck buttons.

Video

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:31:59 -0500

University of Miami bringin' the heat!

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:31:26 -0500

So the College Humor Live tour had a very happy Halloween because we were all together in Miami making drunk kids in costumes laugh and getting stuck in terrible Miami Halloween traffic. But instead of simply writing out what happened this weekend, I will highlight the events within the lyrics of Will Smith’s smash hit “Miami,” where it’s very clear that Big Will and I have quite different perceptions of Miami.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Miami uh uh

Southbeach bringin the heat uh

Haha can ya’ll feel that

Can ya’ll feel that

Jig it out uh

I woke at 4am for a 6am flight. I got a middle seat.

Here I am in the place where I come to let go

Miami the base and the sunset glow

Everyday like a mardi gras everybody party all day

No work all play okay

So we sip a little something lay to rest the spill

Me an charlie at the bar runnin up a high bill

On the show was Ben Gleib and Nikki Glaser. At the venue I bought a pitcher of beer because the SGA cannot buy alcohol for performers. I wish Charlie was the president of the SGA.

Nothin less than ill when we dress to kill

Everytime the ladies pass they be like hi will

Can yall feel me all ages and races

Real sweet faces

Every different nation spanish haitian indian jamaican

Black white cuban and asian

Most of the audience was white and a little more white. There was one British kid who heckled me throughout the entire night. He was sitting at a table with 2 guys dressed as Michael Phelps.

I only came for two days of playing.

But everytime I come I always wind up stayin

This the type of town I could spend a few days in

Miami the city that keeps the roof blazin

I was originally going to fly home the next day at 4pm. But after a few hours of being in town, I decided to fly stand by and leave at 6am.

Chorus

Party in the city where the heat is on

All night on the beach till the break of dawn

We didn’t go to the beach. B ut there was a nice lake by the student union.

Welcome to miami

Buenvenidos a miami

Bouncin in the club where the heat is on

All night on the beach till the break of dawn

I went to bed at 12:30am.

I’m goin to Miami

Welcome to Miami

Verse 2

Yo I heard the rainstorms ain’t nothin’ to mess with

But I cant feel a drip on the strip it’s a trip

Ladies half dressed fully equipped

And they be screamin out ‘Will we loved your last hit’

The ladies were definitely dressed in slutty Halloween drobe, but were not all over me. However ten dudes came to the show because they really liked the talk show I did for college humor this summer.

So I’m thinkin’ ima scoot me somethin’ hot

In this south sea merengue melting pot

Hottest club in the city and its right on the beach

Temperature get to ya its about to reach

Five hundred degrees

In the Carribean seas with the hot mommies

Screamin’ aii poppy

I think Ben tried to get Nikki pregnant.

Everytime I come to town they be spottin me

In the drop bentley ain’t no stoppin me

The cab driver who took us from the Holiday Inn to the venue was a really nice guy.

So cash in your door

We flow to this fashion show

Pound for pound anywhere you go

Yo aint no city in the world like this

An if you ask how I know I gots ta feed the film

The sophomore who won the sling box was super excited. He was dressed as a pumpkin and thanks to his love of porn and his masturbation skills, he was able to name 6 porn stars and make his parents proud.

Chorus

Verse 3

Dont get me wrong shytown got it goin on

An new york is the city that we know dont sleep

An we all know that l a and philly stay jiggy

Totally agree!

But on the sneak miami bringin heat for real

Ya’ll don’t understand

I never seen so many Dominican women with cinnamon tans

Mierda this is the plan

Take a walk on the beach draw a heart in the sand

Gimme your hand

Damn you look sexy

Lets go to my yacht in the west keys

Ride my jetskis loungin in the palm trees

Cause you gotta have cheese for the summerhouse piece on southbeach

Ben, Nikki, and Beth (hot tour manager) tried to meet me at a bar but their cab got lost and then charged them 60 bucks. Ben threw a thousand dollars at the cab driver and headed to the beach where he and Nikki spent the night on his Yacht. Beth felt kinda awkward and texted her boyfriend in the corner.

Water so clear you can see to the bottom

Hundred thousand dollar cars eybody got em

Aint no surprise in the club to see sly stallone

Miami my second home

I did not see Sly Stallone.

What I do in between the CH LIVE TOUR dates.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 02:40:15 -0400

What I do in between the CH LIVE TOUR dates.

COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE IS BACK. That is right friends! College...

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 22:55:48 -0400

COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE IS BACK.

That is right friends! College humor live is back and better then ever! We have SLING BOX as a fun new sponsor and ridiculous line-ups. The tour kicked off last week at Fordham University with me, Streeter & Jeff, Aziz, and John Mulaney. I don’t have any videos or pictures of this show because Fordham got kinda’ weird and wouldn’t let us film anything.I don’t want to point any fingers but I will point one at Jesus.

(It is a jesuit school.)
Since we had no pix of the awesome show, I posted a picture of college students having fun to illustrate exactly what went down last week.

This semester CH LIVE will be hitting the following places and its going to be super! :

09/28/08 - New York, NY - Fordham University
10/08/08 - Muncie, IN - Ball State University
10/10/08 - South Bend, IN - Notre Dame
11/12/08 - Laramie, WY - University of Wyoming
11/14/08 - Seattle, WA - University of Washington
11/21/08 - Rochester, MI - Oakland University

Im shooting a movie in New Orleans called “Mardi...

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:23:04 -0400

Im shooting a movie in New Orleans called “Mardi Gras”. This is my costume. I play an asshole who runs a wet t-shirt contest. Good times! And lots of crab meat!

The college tour is over for now but don’t be sad! I will...

Sat, 24 May 2008 03:14:57 -0400

The college tour is over for now but don’t be sad! I will be in NYC all summer long shooting the “I Have To Go In A Minute Show” for college humor. Its gonna awesome! So get ready for some daily Dan Levy comedy Monday-Friday!

LE-HIGH! Well I am on a plane right now flying back to LA from...

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 18:54:36 -0400

LE-HIGH!

Well I am on a plane right now flying back to LA from NY, which sucks because I totally missed the Nazi Pope by a week. And since I have joke about him, the least I could do is check out his deal at Yankee stadium. I’ll have to catch him when he’s back again in 13 years.

So…last night the show was by far the best college humor live show to date.

It was a powerhouse comedy line up. That’s right people: POWERHOUSE!

The line up: me, Aziz Ansari (Human Giant) Bill Burr (HBO Special) and Kevin Hart (Host of comic view, and a shit load of movies).

We performed in a theatre with low ceilings, which is key to a successful comedy show, the rider was perfectly taken care of (dried fruit everywhere), and my GPS didn’t get me to lost.

I accidentally pushed the “I don’t want any tolls” button so the beginning of my trip involved no highways and it took me 3 hours to get to Jersey from the Bronx. NOT GOOD. When I was told to “turn left into the woods” I decided it was time to recalculate my route.

There were about 300 students and I would say most of them were high or drunk and very excited about “4-20!” One girl with blood shot eyes came over to me as I was selling CD’s and said “ You should have to need to drink with us drunk”. I slowly walked away. Although she was cute.

We end the tour at University of Tampa. My girlfriend and her parents will also be there. I guess I can’t do any of my “sex with girlfriend jokes”. So…I’ll just stick to my “sex with boyfriend jokes.”

I need to fucking pee so bad but there is too much turbulence.

Till next time!

I was in a hit and run. I was not the guy who ran.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:02:39 -0400

HIT & RUN! from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

Me bad vlogging with long hair.

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 23:39:34 -0400

Me doing a bad vlog. from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

YORK COLLEGE!!! The show last night was awesome. It was a small...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:47:00 -0400

YORK COLLEGE!!!

The show last night was awesome. It was a small but excited crowd and several of the guys were wearing ties…just because. And I respect that.

However getting there was terrible and I am tired as balls! I had to fly from LA to Atlanta to Baltimore. And I sat next to a nun who smelled like moth balls and Jesus.

Then when I got to BWI I had to rent a car and drive to York at 5pm. PERFECT DRIVING TIME. WHEN ITS OPPOSITE DAY.

Then this morning I woke up at 4am to fly back to LA to do a commercial at noon. Which was cool …its basically me at a comedy club doing jokes about products like Wendy’s, and Brawny.. Here are the jokes that they didn’t let me say:

Whenever I’m lonely I always go to Wendy’s because that way no matter what… I end my night with a cute red head. WHO’S NOW FIFTY THREE AND HAS BEEN EATING FAST FOOD FOR THE LAST FORTY YEARS.

Brawny’s slogan is “THICKER AND MORE ABSORBENT” and that is why whenever I use Branwy… no one gets pregnant.

Tomorrow I wake up at 5am to fly back to HOT-lanta and perform all weekend.

WOO TO COMEDY!

GPS MOTHER FUCKER! from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

REGGIE AT YORK from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

SUNY UPSTATE SOMEWHERE How was your St. Patty’s day?! I...

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:41:00 -0400

SUNY UPSTATE SOMEWHERE

How was your St. Patty’s day?! I celebrated the drunken holiday at the Buffalo airport enroute home to LA after a five-day stint of shows, NYC, discussing my hair, planning a trip to Asia, discussing my hair, dinner with my mom, and more discussion of my hair. This been has a been long trip with several 5 am wake calls almost every morning and I know I am over tired because when the driver dropped me off this morning at the airport I gave him a twenty-dollar bill (instead of a five) and said, “see you tomorrow buddy”. Then in my head I was like “What… I’m never going to see this guy ever again”. But then he said in a kind of creepy way “Yeah you will Mr. Levy. Yeah you will”.

I’m also not feeling that good so I couldn’t drink green beer but I was able to snort green afrin. So that’s something.

Last night we performed at SUNY Fredonia. (I may have spelled that wrong).

The show was supposed to be me, Na’im, and Christian Finnegan however it ended up being just me and Christian because Nai’m has a “U.S AIRWAYS hook up”. Which means he always flies standby, which also means sometimes he doesn’t fly … like yesterday.

He got to the airport at 6 am and didn’t get on any flights so the college humor tour last night was more of a college humor two-man show, which was a shame because it was a really good time. We performed in this new state of the art theatre in a front of a few hundred students including a senior in high school, a 35 year-old dude who said “my girlfriend goes here because I like banging 19 year-olds”, a freshman with a detective-ish mustache, and one of the girls who won shameful trivia told us that she used to have a vagina ring!

But don’t worry Na’im I wrote your name on a paper plate and took a picture with it so it was like you were totally there.

Anyways…to sum it up: Christian was really funny, Tour manager Beth brought her boyfriend, the subway backstage kicked ass and my new blimpie joke got major LOL’s.

I was happy.

Back stage at FREDONIA from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

The next show is April 1^st outside Baltimore so my plan: after the show head downtown and act out a scene from the wire. FY-EYE: I’m playing Marlow and Nikki Glaser will be Snoop.

Peace out.

ST. JOHNS

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 02:04:28 -0400

Tonight’s show was in Queens, NY at St. Johns University.

Driving to Queens. from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

We had an awesome line up but the audience was “NOT GOOD”.

But it really wasn’t their fault. We have been doing this tour in theatres since the beginning and it make sense because it’s a theatre-ish show. We need sound systems, screens, and etc.

Apparently St. John’s thought other wise because they decided to put our show in their dining hall and then figure out the whole sound system thing while I was on stage. So that was fun. They also decided to tell us to “be clean” 3 minutes before the show started. Which was hard considering this was my set list:

1) Abortion.

2) Rape.

3) The abortion rape song.

TJ’s TV pitch! from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

Avi “POWER AGENT” Gilbert was there and in typical agent fashion after the show said, “Well that turned out to be pretty sweet!” He then took the check and ran out. Sunday we hit up state NY with Christian Finnegan and… a theatre. Should be a hoot.

Hey people. I need to apologize for not blogging as much as I am...

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 00:12:00 -0400

Hey people. I need to apologize for not blogging as much as I am supposed to… but it’s been kinda crazy. I hosted MTV spring break 08’ in Miami’, so I was working on that for the past 2 weeks in between college humor live shows and other stuff. It airs March 29^th and I’m sure it will then re-air every other hour for the entire month. It was good/insane, as one would imagine. I was the sidekick on the new show “Pretty Smart” hosted by Tara Conner. (Miss USA who got super famous after doing drugs and having to go to rehab). This is a picture of me trying to bite her boob. She is very cool, even though she wouldn’t do meth with me and the spring breakers. BORING! The point of the show is to see if people are “pretty smart” or “just pretty”. Most were just pretty and one didn’t even know what “ocean was behind them”.

My favorite part was the SILVER PEOPLE who were the LIVE set. Instead of building a set MTV just hired hot people to stand in the background, look good, not move, and of course be spray-painted silver. They were hilarious.

Silver Guy! from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

Silver girls dancing from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

It was really funny and very awesome as was the 500 screaming drunken spring breakers who smelled of yager and called me “bro”.

So while I was working on that we had two college humor shows and let me break them down for ya.

Bethany College: Me, Chris Porter, Dan Boulger, and Reggie Watts performed in West Virginia and it was about as much fun as you think a show would be in West VA. The hotel was scary and the phones didn’t work. We all thought we were in a horror movie and we were. Chris Porter is no longer with us.

TENNESSEE TECHNOLOGICAL UNIVERSITY:

Untitled from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

Me, Nyim, Nikki, and TJ Miller from Cloverfield. This show was great. We gave away some NEW puma merch and it was our first show with TJ. (He will be doing a few more dates with us this semester.) TJ and I decided to fly in together on the same flight because the flight was direct and left at 11. This caused several problems.

1) We landed at 6 and the show was at 7.

2) The school was an hour drive from the airport.

3) The GPS we rented didn’t recognize the town the show was in (Cookeville). And I don’t really blame it.

Surprisingly we made it while talking about a lot of comedy, JJ Abrahams, and of course vlogging.

Tomorrow night we all get back together and perform in Queens. WHAT! WHAT! It should be a very fun time. That is all for now. I promise to blog more. I love you.

University of Arkansas

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:54:40 -0500

The 1^st CH-LIVE show of the spring semester was super fun!

The line up was Nikki –get ready to be glassed- Glasser, Reggie –expensive audio equipment- Watts, and John –heavily influenced by David Brenner-Mullaney. I was honestly surprised by how great the show was considering it was the first time I’ve been to Arkansas. Nothing against the state, but the only thing I can think of now when I think of Arkansas is Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris.

Who WERE NOT at the show!

We had about 300 students who were fairly good at shameful trivia… but very good at laughing.

I would say, last night was the best CH-LIVE audience for sure.

My favorite part of the performance was a couple in the front row. Throughout the entire show they kept on screaming stuff out and I was convinced that the boyfriend was a convicted felon and a possible crystal-meth dealer and of course his girlfriend was a crystal-meth user. So that went on throughout the night and when I brought her on stage for shameful trivia and asked her name she answered “CRYSTAL”. FOR REAL! INCREDIBLE!

Tomorrow we go to West Virginia and I don’t really know what to expect, except maybe a waffle house.

My new opening act.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 21:07:25 -0500

This guy came up to me after the show asking if I can take him on the road. Here is his pitch:

This kid wants to go on tour with me. from Dan Levy on Vimeo.

My new head shot for 08! So…whose looking to cast a...

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 09:17:48 -0500

My new head shot for 08! So…whose looking to cast a rapist?

NOTE: If you ever take a NEW YEARS vacation to the natural hot...

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 01:44:00 -0500

NOTE: If you ever take a NEW YEARS vacation to the natural hot springs in central california DO NOT SQUIRT HERBAL ESSENSE into the jaquzzi to make it “smell better”.

But more importantly… its a new year and I have a lot of NEW shows coming up and there going to be great! Or at least thats what Im telling myself. Here is my schedule for the next few months. Im going to be performing with the college humor live tour in several new markets so I hope to see you all at the shows. During my time off from CH LIVE, I will be on my own tour as well. Email me for tickets to any of these shows.

Jan 17 2008Boston, MA.Comedy Connection “NESN TV TAPING”

Jan 18 2008Greenville, PA.Thiel College

Jan 22 2008 Brea, CA.The Improv

Jan 23 2008Hollywood, CA.The Improv

Jan 29 2008Fayetteville, AR COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE: University of Arkansas

Feb 01 2008 West Virginia COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE: Bethany College

Feb 18 2008 Rochester, NY St. John Fisher College

Apr 01 2008 York, PA COLLEGE HUMOR LIVE: York College

Apr 03 2008 Roswell, GA.The Funny Farm Apr 4-6.

B.U, the last CH LIVE show of the fall.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:06:00 -0500

Dear blog readers,

Well we did it! The last college humor live show of the semester was last week at B.U and it was swee-wesome! I would have blogged earlier, but the day after the show I got home and moved. Pretty cool place…I’m not saying, “I made it”. But my new apartment… wood floors and running water. (NBD).

Boston is the city where I started doing comedy so it was great to be back even though it was twenty degree’s and three people called me a queer faggot.

We had a packed house and everyone loved Reggie, Dan, and Nyim.

Shameful trivia was AGAIN ridiculously shameful and I think those two Jewish freshman girls are still fighting over the puma bag.

Jew Girl 1: I want the bag to take on my birth right trip to Israel!!!

Jew Girl 2: I wanna take it home to long island!!!

Jew Girl 1: I give blow jobs at sleep away camp!

Jew Girl 2: Me too! Omg. We are so BFF now!

So thank you BU for coming out (especially during the night of a BU/BC hockey game) and supporting College Humor Live! I also wanna thank Beth, Puma, College Humor, all the comics, APA, and everyone who helped make CH LIVE happen this fall.

Dates for the spring are already coming in and the tour is only going to get bigger!

PS: To the jersey girl in the 6 1/2 year on and off long distance relationship…its time to give it up. That guy next to you at the show last week still wants a hand-job.

PPS: I am currently in physical therapy three times a week for the back injury I incurred while traveling all over the country for CH LIVE. The medical term is a “hip hike”. Basically my lower hip has shifted up, causing the muscles in my lower back to spasm.

PPPS: College humor is going to pay my medical bills because I do not have health insurance.

PPPPS: They do not know that yet.

PPPPPS: Now they do.